shapeshifting

Hello Sweetie*

Keeping it real. If you're going to turn your life around and write about it then you need to keep it real or that writing means nothing.

So in that spirit I will tell you that yesterday was a bad, bad day. Maybe it's resistance, maybe it's circumstances, whatever. The upshot was that I lay awake at early o'clock feeling like every haggard, worn-out, worn-down, 40something woman you've seen in the street and read as having been seriously disappointed by life. It wasn't pretty.

This morning I was dreading going to see the Beagles after two weeks, fairly certain that the lump I'd found on one of them was terminal and maybe she'd even be gone already. The skies opened on my journey there and I had no coat. I work outside for half my time with them. It was just the last bloody straw on top of a whole load of straws that I'm not going to list here.

Fortunately I was able to call on something inside. Yes, with my reiki healing and communing with nature and animal spirit guides and woo-woo up the wa-zoo I did what any wild, barefooted woman would do. I took a deep breath and asked myself:

"What would River Song do?".

Cos I'm all deep 'n' shit.

The thing is, it may sound silly but that silliness makes me want to kick some arse, namely mine, and that drive is something I can lack at times. I need firing up and a time-travelling, Time Lord-loving, gun-toting, fez-shooting, hypnolipstick-wearing Space Hottie in her 40s inspires me and restores my sense of humour. Whatever works, eh?

Turned out, Tash's lumps are benign and she's in good shape. The Beagles' people were pleased to see me and gave me lots of young tomato plants to bring home. I stayed indoors and bathed all the dogs which was a great excuse for extra cuddles. Beagle Therapy is pretty special and although I still got soaked at least the water was warm.

I also spent an hour on my mobile phone, in Sainsbury's car park (I know, can you even cope with the glamour?), putting worlds to rights with Susannah who was in need of a rant. I know that if you read a certain type of blog, you'll see Susannah's name all over the place because she's awesome but I'm going to tell you that actually...she's way more awesome than that. And she makes me laugh.

I got home and whipped up a glass of green juice that flooded my system with life and goodness (I mistyped that as 'goodnews', that too). Sigh. Greeeeeeen.

There is sunshine outside and that's where I belong so I'm off. I just want to say that if you try to turn things around then you're going to have bad days when you have to look those things in the eye. No more evasion, you have to know their name to say goodbye. That takes strength that sometimes can be hard to muster. I think calling on your favourite shero is a very acceptable way to kick things into action. Who's yours?

 

*that would be her standard opening line.

 

 

 

Project Me

Great week off. Great. And now I'm back at the project. The project where I get myself into shape so that I can hit 50 with a big old smile on my face.

So many things to sort out, so many challenges. I want to avoid using this blog as therapy - god knows I've done enough of that in the past and yay for that - but I do want to journal life. Keep a record. Be able to map my progress.

Here are the basics:

 

Health

I'm great at the cerebral and spiritual stuff. My introversion means I'm a lifelong devotee of contemplation. In another life I would have made an awesome monk. The physical stuff, not so much. Despite years of training, practice and experience my poor body has been ignored in recent years. Communication has stopped at my neck. I'm reopening the channels and asking for forgiveness from my body. We're reuniting. I'm fully planning on being able to stop referring to my body in the third person.

This means more of the same spiritually but also exercise and nutrition...nutrition is huge, grounding. All round love of my temple, man.

 

Activism/service

I work for a charity/non-profit. I love my job, despite it being in the often dull but essential fundraising/marketing department. I know that people make a difference. I know that in the right hands an online petition is a powerful political tool. I know that your £3 a month really DOES help. I know social media has revolutionised this area of work.

I can't afford to give much money - although I will always find some. I don't have a lot of time. I can do a lot of awareness-raising and spreading of online words. I tend to hold back because I've feared my interweb friends will find it boring or intrusive or offensive. Well you know what, there's a lot of really offensive stuff out there that's more important. So if you see me having a rant or asking for a signature and it ruffles your feathers and annoys you...move along. I'll be back to the other stuff in just a moment. I'll not be pointing fingers at anyone I know, I'll be turning a light on some dark places. Look away if you like. That's your karma, this is mine.

Maybe I'll separate it out somehow...another Twitter feed or something.

 

Money

Because, yes, not so much with the financial good sense or attitude. Abundant thinking has not been my friend. But I'm shaking that up and telling myself that money is not the root of all evil, it is A Good Thing and I am more than capable of making some. Seriously, I'm rubbish at this stuff and I'm buried deeeeeeep in impoverished thinking in so many ways. My values are screwed. No more. Business is fun. Money to survive is even more funnerer.

 

Walking softly on this earth

Yeah that. Too big to put into a paragraph here but I've got to walk the soft walk. It matters to me that we think humans have dominion. We do not.

Parenting

Huge. Massive. Every child is special and brings their unique blessings and challenges. My child was adopted transracially, transculturally and without us knowing that she had been separated from her identical twin who now lives on the other side of the planet. Oh and she's five, brilliant, funny, stubborn as all hell, opinionated, confrontational and has a heart the size of a planet.  I don't always rise to the challenges with compassion, grace and/or intelligence. I want and need to. Love is always there but contrary to the lyrics of a popular song, it is not all you need. We made decisions on her behalf when she was too young to have an input. I need to stand up and be the parent she deserves and she deserves the best. I'm not talking perfect - oh please, parenting is bloody hard work a lot of the time - but I could do way, way better than I do.

 

And just to prove I'm not entirely made of wannabe-worthiness...

My appearance

Let's see...my skin, my hair, my body shape, my weight...the whole deal. Because this last couple of years have aged me and turned me into a mess and once upon a time I was quite hot. I'd like to be a quite warm 50 something. I'm very okay with that.

 

So that's the project. I think. It will change and so will I; I think I've established that pattern at least. But I want to try to have some kind of North Star to guide me on the days when I'm floundering and bad-tempered and frustrated and comfort-eating and full of a desire to run away with the circus. Actually I'd like a whole lot less of those days. That would be a good result.

If you're making or experiencing changes or have made them and now live the way you've always thought you could; if you have your own 'project' or dream, leave me a comment or a link. I'd love to know more about you.

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