Thinking about the future version of me (I need a snappy little nickname for her/me) that I'm inspired by and determined to be, I was aware of a 'something', a quality I couldn't pinpoint that was a major part of the difference between her and me. Then it became obvious...she has a serenity, an air of peace that I've always wanted but never achieved.
I get stressed. Anxious.
There are variations on anxiety, I think. For example, in some people it's quiet, apologetic and fearful but in me it's ferocious and hot and likely to result in much cleaning and worrying about the emotions of inanimate objects. I wind tighter than a tight thing and the only way out is..is..water. Yep. Lowering myself into a bath is like plunging a hot pan into cold water. Ttttttssssssssssssss aaand relax.
(I just went to find something about negative ions and discovered they've been found to affect serotonin levels. Ah, serotonin my old friend. Again.)
Growing up, I dealt with my anxiety with movement and so now, with anxiety and extra weight as issues, I need to get moving.
I'd run. But I hate it. No I do and I have bad knees and I don't stick at it and I have to face up to that fact.
I'd hoop and I do, but I can only do it outside because we live in The Burrow, so I need something less seasonal.
The gym? No thanks. I'm an ex-fitness instructor/gym manager and gyms make me come out in a rash. See also: no money.
Let's face it, we're looking at yoga. Only me and yoga never got on. I tried it once and was unlucky enough to happen upon a Very Bad Class. I have a couple of DVDs but...meh. I'm in awe of Marianne Elliott and we have mutual friends who confirm she's The Real Deal so I signed up for a 30 Days of Yoga thingy. Didn't do it. I know, I KNOW but I'm just really crap at letting life get in the way. And yes, can you say 'resistance'?
Yesterday solved it for me. There I was thinking how the f*** am I going to get all serene and shit (you see my problem?) and some stuff happened. Stuff. It happened.
Firstly, I read a great blog piece by Tara Sophia Mohr about fear and awe. I liked it, I understood it, but I didn't really relate in any huge way.
Secondly, I took my mp3 player to bed with me and wasn't in the mood for my usual choices of music/meditations. Instead I decided to listen again to an interview with Seane Corn that I downloaded from Being (thanks to Tracie for introducing me to Being). I'd half-listened before but had been distracted by cooking dinner and that was that.
This time I was wasn't distracted, I was riveted. Here was my answer and wait...it's YOGA? *tipsbackheadandcriesNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
But everything Seane said made perfect sense to me. I was enthralled. And when they got to talking about body prayer I knew I was home. Seriously.
This morning I was still thinking about the interview and how it made me feel. I realised that Tara's description of yirah summed it up nicely. And that my former block to yoga was a definite example of how the things that are most important to us invoke the greatest resistance.
So. Here's my second step into self care and another - because it's always been an active area for me - into my spirituality: I'm going to revisit my 30 Days of Yoga. I'm going to look for a good, reasonably-priced yoga class that I can attend.
I tell you, this is taking some courage because I already know it's going to release some stuff that's been sitting around for way too long (and I don't just mean my backside).
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image (c) Chantel Pare
